"Urgent Response Required"

This is by Cassandra, who sometimes does us the favor of guest blogging:

Mr. Ogechukwu Kanma (Bank Manager)
Union Bank PLC

Lagos Branch

Lagos, Nigeria


Dear Sir,

I am Ogechukwu Kanma, Bank Manager of Union Bank PLC, Lagos Branch. I got your contact from the World Trade Center (W.T.C.) Regional office in Lagos, Nigeria although the details of my intention was not made
known to them. Actually, I listed your name amongst four other names and prayed over them and God revealed
you to me and I decided to contact you directly. I have a very urgent and confidential business proposition
for you for our overall mutual interest.

For the past 18 years, an American Business Executive, one Mr Bernard Madoff has made a number secret deposits valued at USD$50,000,000.000.00 (Fifty Billion American dollars) into an account at my Branch. I recently sent a routine notification to his forwarding address and called his telephone but got no reply. Then I see the news that he is in jail! On further investigation I found out in the fine print that for this type of account Mr Bernard Madoff must come personally to my branch to withdrawal the funds.

This sum of USD$50,000,000,000.00 is still sitting in the Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the
principal sum at the end of each year. And he cannot come forward to claim it, since Mr Bernard Madoff is under house arrest with a designer ankle bracelet. According to Nigerian Law, in such cases, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigeria Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner, with a foreign-sounding name, to stand in as the next of kin of to Mr. Bernard Madoff so that the fruit of this old man’s labor will not get into the hands of some godless and corrupt government

The plan is simple:

(1) I will like you to provide me immediately with your full names, address, social security number, and credit card details (including the expiration date and little number on that back that they always ask you for when you make purchase over the telephone), your mother’s maiden name, your email, and driver’s license number so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits, which will put you in place as the next of kin.

(2) We shall employ the services of two attorneys for drafting and notarization, and obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer.

(3) A bank account in any part of the world, which you provide, will then facilitate the transfer of this
money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin of Mr. Bernard Madoff. The money will be paid into your account
for us to share!! in the ratio of 60% for me and 40% for you. There is no risk at all as all the paperwork
for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the
successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via this private email address.

(4) And don’t worry about your bank being suspicious about the transfer as I will make sure to split up the wires into units of less than 10,000 ($9,999.99) to avoid detection on the Fed wire. If I make 10 of these per business day (excluding Nigerian Public Holidays & Fela Kuti’s birthday) we will complete the transfers in only 500,000 business days!! Imagine the happiness of your soul to receive your 40% of USD$100,000 for the next 500,000 business days!

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you
understand. Please observe utmost confidentiality being certain that whatever you do DO NOT CONTACT THE SEC or anyone by the name of Arpad Busson as they might spoil our little deal.

Rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country – hopefully in a nice and safe hedge fund or fund-of-hedge-funds, preferably one with consistently high returns and low-risk. 

Awaiting your urgent reply via this email above, and please save me the anxiety of endless waiting.

God bless you.

Mr. Ogechukwu Kanma

Union Bank PLC,


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  1. Anonymous

    The anxiety of endless waiting is over.
    God bless you too, Mr. Ogechukwu Kanma! He certainly has BLESSED ME! You see I am a Wall Street Rainmaker and, right now, the Manna is falling from TARP Heaven so fast that I am up to my ears in it, working 24/8 to squirrel the stuff away in secure hidey holes which are increasingly hard to find in these volatile times. I hope I am up to the task.

    So, unfortunately, Mr Kanma, I am unable now to pursue your kind and generous business offer—thanks for thinking of me. I am, however, forwarding your proposal to a kind friend who will soon be in retirement in Dallas and may be in need of funds/employment.

    Best to you and yours in these Times Of Prosperity. May you flourish!

    Hiram Maxwell Ripplewaithe, III, Hamptons-Caymans

  2. curious-er

    Clearly the Nigerians have a lot to learn from Madoff and his equally illustrious company on Wall Street. Their scams go “undetected” for years.

  3. Anonymous

    Hilarious! Thank you Yves for cheering my a.m. But isn’t it bizarre how close to satire ‘real life’ is turning out to be?

  4. Margin Call of Cthulhu

    I got the same letter. You’re getting taken to the cleaners – he’s offering me *twice* this amount!

  5. GloomBoom.com

    I don’t see why all you cynics are so negative about such a helpful person. Finally something for Main St.!

  6. Aaron

    The beautiful part is the payout over 500,000 business days. At 250 business days a year that’s 2000 years!

    That’s fine, but if inflation is at 3% year, then in today’s dollars, $10,000 payments in the final year are worth 2.1 times ten to the -22nd power.

    I’d like the lump sum up front option please – I’ll take 1%, you keep the 99%.

    You can’t be greedy in these transactions, see?

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