Belated “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” (Financial Services Edition)

Hoisted from comments, courtesy Cullpepper. This gets As for concept and cleverness, even if the versification falls a bit short. Enjoy!

‘Twas the Night before Christmas
And all through the bourse-houses
All the traders were clicking,
Glued fast to their mouses,

Their bids were all tracked
By the market with care
In the hopes St. Bernanke.
Soon would be there.

Taxpayers were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of early retirement
Danced in their heads.

And Roubini his ‘kerchief,
and Taleb in his cap,
Had just settled down
For a long winter’s book tour

When out in the banking sector,
There arose such a clatter,
That congress sprang from their junkets,
To see what was the matter!

Away to the VIX,
We flew like a flash,
The banks were all broke,
And demanded hard cash!

Sub-prime had all tanked
Each new wave was a blow,
The pundits were lost,
From Krugman to Kudlow!

When, who should appear
with a strange bag of solutions
But Timothy Geithner and
eight to-big-to-fail institutions!

More rapid than Washington
lobbyists they came,
He whistled, and shouted,
and called them by name;

“Now Goldman, now Citigroup,
now B.O.A. and Morgan Stanley!
On Fargo, On Chase!
On G.M. and A.I.G.!”

“To the top of the TARP, to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! To the discount window, one and all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When the meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the market-top the cash-flush banks flew,
With a long list of bonuses for all of them too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on blogs
How this bail-out had stepped on innumerable laws
For no matter how much money approved by the Senate
The banks still were screwed in the derivative market.

As I turned off CSPAN and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Bernanke came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of T-Bills he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His style, so dapper!
Behind him was filled a cash-stuffed helicopter!

He seemed quite unworried, his brow was unfurrowed,
He explained any amount of money could be borrowed!
Production, he explained, was a thing of the past,
Interest-payments were high, why, we’d just print more cash!

He was chubby and plum, a right jolly old banker,
And I laughed when I heard him, in spite of my anger.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He gave no more speeches, but continued his leering,
(His lawyers advice ‘till after the next Senate hearing)

He spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
And he filled all those banks, and threw in a few perks.
And raising a finger from the mid of his fist,
He searched for tax-payers he might have just missed.

He sprang to his sleight, to his legal team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he fled from this caper,
“Don’t worry you rubes! In the end it’s just paper!”

Better luck to us all in 2010!
Cullen McGough, with thanks to Clement

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  1. Michael M. Thomas

    This appeared in my e-inbox a couple of days ago. The writer, Liz Peek, is the wife of Jeffrey Peek, who led CIT down the toilet. No comment is needed as to the quality of the prosody or the merit of the thinking:

    The Democrats’ Christmas Lesson
    ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land,
    Democrats were chortling “Yes- – yes we can!”
    “We can cook the books to help Obamacare pass,
    We can appoint Big Labor the new Ruling Class.
    We can classify carbon as dangerous to health,
    And start redistributing America’s wealth.
    We can run the autos and insurers and banks
    Though we don’t have a single CEO in our ranks.
    We can hire more workers and boost minimum wage,
    Then sit back and watch the tea partiers rage.”
    “Spending more than we have is what we Dems do well,
    Our Stimulus Program shot the budget to hell.
    “Where are the jobs?” silly voters might ask,
    We patiently tell them that wasn’t the task.
    Keeping government workers employed at all cost
    That’s how the taxpayers’ money was lost.
    But – never fret, we’ve a clever new way
    To pay off your mortgage – we’ll tax CEO pay.
    We’ll pump the economy – that’s the challenge we’re meeting;
    If that doesn’t work we’ll tax breathing — or eating!”
    Relations are much better with friends overseas
    The President has shown he’s eager to please.
    Obama has a favorite new song that he sings,
    “I’m not George Bush” – and with that he brings
    Much bowing and scraping; he’s all smiles and grins.
    He comes home empty-handed, which the White House then spins.
    He’s friendly with Chavez and cozy with Kim,
    And he’s confident Medvedev really likes him!
    He chats up Iran while they continue to cheat,
    We move forward in war while we also retreat.
    Obama says there’s no more evil or terror,
    “The Arabs will love us, if only we’re fairer”.
    All this we have done, but we’re just getting going,
    Survive we must — to reap the seeds we are sewing.
    Next fall angry voters may chuck some of us out;
    No fears: Rahm and David will save us from rout.
    Even now they are plotting to divide up the right;
    They’re pushing to spur a Republican fight.
    With unions a-helping they’ll create a great storm
    They’ll propose that third rail — immigration reform.
    The red dogs will snarl over borders and jobs
    They’ll play to mean-spirited anti-immigrant mobs.
    Americans are a kind and fair-minded bunch;
    (though they don’t want illegals stealing their lunch.)
    Mostly, we embrace those whose dream is to be
    working and living in our great land that is free.
    Most of us came from here from homes far away
    And welcome others also desperate to stay.
    So we’ll trick the right into sounding hateful and mean
    And voters? Once again towards us they will lean.
    Later, Republicans will ask, “Gee, how did we goof?”
    The election will hold our solid-gold proof:
    Voters want kindness in addition to smarts,
    You must win over their minds, but also their hearts.
    Merry Christmas!

    1. LeeAnne

      Stacking the issues like this in a Christmas greeting of all things reads like the confusion of a nut case, but Republicans intentionally bundle and scramble issues, dates, and administrations for maximum exploitation of anger and resentment.The tactic is to throw all the resentments as listed up against the wall and see which ones will stick for use against the opposition at the right time because issues hardly matter. The fight isn’t really about policy; its a fight for control of the purse. Otherwise, the sheer nastiness of the Republican disposition would be enough to keep them on the sidelines.


  2. LeeAnne

    correction -it would be so nice to have the preview feature back. what I meant to say is:

    We no longer have representative government, otherwise, the sheer nastiness of the Republican disposition would be enough to keep them on the sidelines.

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