Cheat Sheet for the Australian Double Dissolution Election This Weekend

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Yves here. Brexit and the non-stop melodrama of the US presidential campaign means we’ve been spread a bit thin on other beats.

Voter Down Under are also having more theatrics than usual, plus things have been way too serious of late, so we thought readers would enjoy this primer for the upcoming vote. Thank Satyajit Das for sending it along. It appears to be the work of Chris Brown via Facebook.

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Not sure how to vote on Saturday? Worried that the double dissolution will make it easier for the wrong people to get into the Senate? Me too. So I’ve written a cheat sheet that I can take into the booth with me to remind me who’s who.

Health Australia Party
Rebranding of the Natural Medicine Party, which was probably a better description. Anti-vaxxers, fluoridophobes and homeopaths trying to expand their business via changes to medical legislation.

Seniors United Party of Australia
Finally, a voice in parliament for the wealthiest generation that ever lived.

Family First
But only if your family consists of a white Christian man, a white Christian woman and at least two white Christian children and you believe everyone else is headed straight for hell.

Liberal Democrats
Headed by David Leyonhjelm, who made it into the Senate in 2013 because of a herd of Lib voters being too stupid to correctly identify their preferred party. The Lib Dems are committed Libertarians whose ability to ignore all of the evidence on every possible issue would make any cult proud.

VOTEFLUX.ORG | Upgrade Democracy
Flux (n) – an abnormal or morbid discharge of blood or other matter from the body. Whenever there’s a bill before the Senate, you use an app to discharge your opinion into a tame crossbencher and tell him (yes, it’s always going to be a him) which way to vote on each bill. Founded by two Bitcoin consultants, and works on the same blockchain principle, whatever the hell that means.

You wake up in an ice bath and realise that your left leg is missing, and Rupert Murdoch tells you that brown people and greenies and reds all conspired to steal your leg and are coming back for the rest of your limbs, but then why is Rupert wearing a blood-stained hospital gown, and why does his left leg look familiar, and there, on the knee, isn’t that the scar that you got when you were ten years old and fell off your bicycle?

The Nationals
You wake up in a shed and realise that your left leg is missing, and Rupert Murdoch tells you that brown people and greenies and reds all conspired to steal your leg and are coming back for the rest of your limbs, but then why is Rupert wearing a blood-stained hospital gown, and why does his left leg look familiar, and there, on the knee, isn’t that the scar you got when you were ten years old and got kicked by a horse?

Democratic Labour Party (DLP)
If you’re an economic progressive yet somehow still a dyed in the wool Christian homophobe, this is the party for you.

Science Party
Formerly the Future Party. They’re still naïve, but now they’ve got a full quiver of policies, mostly geared toward fixing the shitblizzard of the last three years.

Australian Cyclists Party
Does exactly what it says on the box.

Shooters, Fishers and Farmers
This party is like the time I hurt my back a few years ago and thought the problem would go away like it always had before, except it didn’t and now I live with chronic back pain.

Voluntary Euthanasia Party
As advertised.

Socialist Alliance
The kind of socialists you can actually have a conversation with.

Rise Up Australia Party
The actual worst. Founded by someone who got thrown out of Family First for too much hate speech, which is like getting kicked out of Labor for not doing anything.

The post-war European centre right party for Australia today.

Online Direct Democracy – (Empowering the People!)
Like VOTEFLUX, but with PollyWeb instead of the Bitcoin blockchain. (If you say that sentence backwards at the stroke of midnight when the moon is full, Lucifer will appear and grant you three votes on bills that will never get up.)

Derryn Hinch’s Justice Party
It turns out that this is about Derryn Hinch’s notion of justice, not about bringing Derryn Hinch to justice. Which is disappointing. A Federal party campaigning on State issues, implying either ignorance or extreme cynicism. My money is on cynicism.

Jacqui Lambie Network
Anatomically incorrect: the logo is a map of Tasmania, but the policy platform is an arsehole.

Pirate Party Australia
Basically progressive, and I agree with them on most things, but their ideas on intellectual property are anti-artist and their views on tax are just idiotic.

Pauline Hanson’s One Nation
Have you ever licked a gallbladder?

Veterans Party
Supporting veterans with no nonsense, no political game playing and absolutely no policies.

Secular Party of Australia
Basically pretty great, but there are a couple of issues where the commitment to secularism starts to look a little like Islamophobia.

I don’t agree with everything they say, but I’m not really their target audience. This is essentially the party that the National Party should be.

Socialist Equality Party
Trotskyists. Well-intentioned but fanatical. These are the people who never forgot that Che’s real first name was Ernest.

Katter’s Australian Party
Uncle Ho and Margaret Thatcher cohabiting in a single mind.

Palmer United Party
The earth will shake violently, trees will be uprooted, mountains will fall, and all binds will snap – Palmer will be free. Palmer will go forth with his mouth opened wide, his upper jaw touching the sky and his lower jaw the earth, and he will swallow Odin in a single gulp. Flames will burn from his eyes and nostrils, and his sons will come after to swallow the sun and the moon.

Citizens Electoral Council
Possibly just straight-up insane. Climate deniers, but economically kinda socialist. Anti-Semitic and possibly white supremacist, but pro-immigration. They also claim that the Port Arthur massacre was commissioned by the British royal family and implemented by a mental health NGO.

Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party
The Eddie the Eagle of befuddled right-wing governance.

Animal Justice Party
Better people than me.

The Arts Party
Sound policies, surprisingly shitty logo. Come on Arts Party, you had one job to do.

Non-Custodial Parents Party (Equal Parenting)
Fielded candidates for the last six Federal elections. Seventh time lucky, guys.

Mature Australia
Your racist Western Australian aunt.

Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group)
The party’s charter is just a bunch of bible quotes. It’s like we’re in Pennsylvania in the fucking 17th Century.

Australian Sex Party
Are you turned on by sound economic and social policies with a strong evidence basis? Then number the box and put your ballot in the slot.

Australian Progressives
A broad suite of evidence-based best practice policies that only seems progressive because Australia is such a regressive ideological clusterfuck.

Nick Xenophon Team
A bit far to the right for me personally, but Xenophon has done exactly what an independent senator is supposed to do, and pretty close to exactly what he said he would do. Which is refreshing.

Drug Law Reform
Single issue party focused on treating drug use as a health issue rather than a criminal one. The stance seems well reasoned. It’s just a bit hard to take them seriously when their logo is a hemp leaf.

Sustainable Australia
Formerly the Stable Population Party. They want a ‘sustainable’ population through lower immigration. If they actually cared about sustainability they’d be calling for a lower global population, but instead they’re calling for reduced population growth in a country with only 24 million people. Which means that what they are is simply racist.

The Greens
Yes, they wear suits now, but at least those suits are made from sustainable bamboo in a small Liberian social enterprise that sponsors education initiatives for orphaned girls.

Australian Liberty Alliance
Angry Anderson (remember him? didn’t think so) vowing to stop the Islamisation of Australia. Last time I checked, Islam was holding steady at 2.2% of the population, so maybe one bald dickhead is all it takes to hold the hordes at bay.

Renewable Energy Party
Single issue, seems good prima facie, but founded by Peter Breen, who was Ricky Muir’s only staffer for a time. I can’t figure out whether this is a good sign (Breen taught Muir how to be a halfway decent senator) or a terrible sign (how can someone go from the petrolhead party to a renewables party and expect to be believed?).

Marijuana (HEMP) Party
Entirely about legalising weed, and there’s no suggestion that they’ve thought about a policy position on any other issues. My concern is that they’d side with anyone who takes snacks into the chamber.

Anti-paedophile Party
Fair enough, but they’re also anti-sex education. So they’re imbeciles.

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  1. ambrit

    I gather that there is no longer a “Monarchist Party,” since Murdoch moved to Blighty.

  2. Skippy

    Bloody Ripper…. albeit I would suggest the National Party [appendage of the (neo)Liberal Party – LNP] should be more accurately described as the – Bush (Whoop Whoop) Socialist Subsidy Party – because who is going to feed the Liberal Party in their inter city ring sinecures… many are just intransigents from the bush that went to boarding school anyway…. back in the day….

    Disheveled Marsupial…. not that Abbott is not sniffing around when opportunity presents itself…. desperately needs the self validation of others…. other wise his entire life has been just one big tragicomedy…

    1. SeanL

      National Party are cargo-cult capitalists – they want to keep the upside of free markets but want gov’t handouts when the market goes against them.

  3. Matt Gibbins

    In the Australian Capital Territory (ACT) there is the Bullet Train for Canberra party. It seeks to turn Canberra into a suburb of Sydney through construction of a fast rail link.

  4. Massinissa

    Wooooooow. Two parties is too few, but this is too many, surely? I cant imagine the average voter in any nation could keep up with so many parties at once.

    1. Kulantan

      Lots of these are regional parties or just parties hardly anyone is going to vote for. The Senate (which is the more diverse house) as it stand is:
      33 Coalition (Liberals/Nationals)
      25 Labor
      10 Greens
      8 Other

  5. Bukko Boomeranger

    I was hoping for as good a pisstake on the Greens and Labor here as the Libs and Nats got. I say that as a union member who’s going to be on the voter-bothering gauntlet for the anti-Feeney Greenies in Batman tomorrow, too. But c’mon, mate! Put as much grunt into slagging the good guys as you do the evildoers. Why should they get all your satiricalabour?

    1. Massinissa

      I dunno about the Greens, but I think labor’s “The post-war European centre right party for Australia today. ” is decent enough. Could have been better, but decent enough.

      But yeah I agree, Greens got off pretty easy.

    2. phred

      Oh c’mon, bamboo suits and orphaned Liberian girls? The Greens was my favorite entry ; )

  6. Lindsay Berge

    Sustainable Australia cannot win here. They would also be called racist for telling other countries with fast growing populations to reduce their populations. They can only influence policy in Australia. If some of the more unfortunate predictions for climate change materialize in the next few decades, 24 million may be far too many, especially if Australia takes in people from drowned Pacific islands as they should.

    1. Skippy

      Had a squabble over at MB Oz blog over it…

      “logic dictates that its inclusive of – all – and as such has much more power behind it e.g. just saying it should be applicable to Oz will inevitably be seen as racist or xenophobic regardless of intent. So the next line of questioning is how to archive that from an informed position without resorting to the classical remedies of war and starvation….”

      Thread start….

      Disheveled Marsupial… this is after ripping into the whole boomer meme… sigh~~~

  7. Steve H.

    POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. [Bierce]

  8. low integer

    I will be beta-testing* the Craazyman approach to voting tomorrow, though I will be drinking four or five Cooper’s Pale Ales rather than Jamaican Red Stripes before voting.
    *My lawyers tell me that referring to my usage of this method as a beta test, along with the beer brand substitution, should be enough to avoid any kind of IP infringement.

        1. Skippy

          Wife and daughter just voted… daughters first time, voted animal cruelty / cycle party… wife much the same…

          Disheveled Marsupial… not enamored by any mainstream party and voted accordingly…

          1. low integer

            Just returned from voting. Very efficient. Took less than 30 mins all up including driving, parking and driving home again. Didn’t end up using the Craazyman voting method due to a change of plans that required me to drive, though the drinking of the Cooper’s Pale Ales has now commenced.
            I note that according to th ABC (Aus. Broadcasting Corp.) news, there are long lines to vote in the one electorate in which the Greens are expected to win a seat in the House of Representatives. Not sure that this is due to anything sinister though. FWIW, the Liberal party is expected to win in the electorate I voted in.

  9. John Parks

    A very informative and thorough listing. I kept waiting to see the “We like puppies party” so the list would be complete.

  10. RUKidding

    Thanks. I’ll ship this to me Chinas downundah. I’m sure it’ll help them vote tomorrow (or is that today or ? wait! what?).

  11. OpenThePodBayDoorsHAL

    Can I just say as someone voting here in Australia for the first time I am pleased as punch to have all of these choices, even if real power devolves to a much shorter list. The Westminster system is awesome. So is mandatory voting. So are campaigns that, limited to 8 weeks, are called “much too long”. The blackout on campaign advertising starting 24h before the polls. The paper, hand-counted voting system. Pleased as punch.

    1. Barry

      Just moved here and it’s all very confusing. I think from my new friends perspectives many feel as if their votes don’t matter either because what they want and what ends up happening is like well…everywhere else, doesn’t.

  12. TheCatSaid

    Let’s not forget the Extractors United Party. They plan to move everyone living anywhere near anything that can be mined. Leaks indicate they plan to support the citizens’ relocation by putting them on rafts and giving them maps to Europe.

    They had this all worked out in the past (to move the Bougainville population to N. Australia after the locals closed the Panguna mine–I’ve seen the map with my own eyes), now the party has expanded their lofty ambitions. They’ll turn Oz into one vast mine. Happy Dayz.

  13. Jonathan Holland Becnel


    Maybe the Australian Sex Party and the Pirate Party can cum together and share the booty…

  14. TheCatSaid

    The Pirate Party is actually quite important. From what I was told by someone who was asked to help develop its constitution (and it exists now in many countries), its focus is on transparency, not other issues.

    After reflecting I came to see the wisdom of this. If there were true transparency about decision-making processes–inputs, influences, meetings, money–only then can we the people decide what aspects of that system we want to change, and work out ways so that policies reflect what voters want.

Comments are closed.